I write this as a broken man. Last Friday, my wife asked that I move out of the house were she and my three kids (all under 5) live. Since last Friday, the Lord has shown me the depth of my selfishness during my marriage and my complete and total failure to love my wife or put her before myself.

One of the clearest and most tangible examples of this is my purchasing our 2008 R55 Clubman S.

It is an absolutely stunning car. It has 10k miles, remaining warranty with the option still open to extend it. It is pepper white with black roof/ stripes and is loaded with NAV, hot chocolate leather, roof rack, convenience package, the package you get the sunroof and auto a/c (can't remember the name of this package), voice recognition, tinted windows and factory aero kit along with a ton of other stuff.

Problem is... buying the car was a totally selfish endeavor and I need to get rid of it fast. Do you all have any suggestions on how I could do this?

This forum has always been more than just about cars. I appreciate, in advance, your thoughts and prayers as I try to win back my wife.

Thank you,

A broken man.

 

Hey Joe:

Sorry to hear about your situation. I am not sure how the car became the centerpiece of all your marital problems, but if saving your marriage means selling it, then by all means do it

You can do a number of things. If you have a local Carmax store, they purchase cars on cash on the spot (Transaction takes less than 1 hour) but be prepared to receive a non-negotiable low bail offer and lose money on the car.

If you have more patience (and the wife), you can place an online ad in Cars.com, get the $50 ad that runs until you sell the vehicle and allows you to upload 12 photos. Cars.com has never failed me before Another good thing about them is that the ad also shows up in the local online papers and such and no extra charge, so it reaches a fairly big audience.

I think you are taking the right steps to right your relationship. Indeed wife and kids come first (In that order)

If your marital problems run deeper than you owning this car, then I highly recommend seeking professional marital counseling help. I suspect your issues go beyond and run deeper than a mere material possession

Hope everything works out. You have the right attitude my friend. Seek for professional help to save the marriage if it needs be.

 

I also wanted to say that I have been happily married for 9 years (Our anniversary was 2 days ago) and we currently have a beautiful 2+ year old boy. I am very "****" with the cars and my wife views them from a more utilitarian point of view (Cars are meant to be used).

We have had our times when we have little fights about how to take care of them. But in all and all, my wife has become more conscious about, for example, where to park to avoid door dings, etc. She no longer gets annoyed when I park far in the parking lot. In that process we have learned from each other and we have done so lovingly so the cars don't take over our relationship and become weapons against our marriage.

Maybe you need to rethink your attitudes towards your wife and the car(s) you own as I suspect you are pretty **** about them and she is not. This causes immediate clashes (pretty much like money matters).

Just an early morning taught. Again, I hope for the best for the 2 of you.

 

Joe...

You have my sympathy and prayers for a reconciliation. Are you truly in an ultimatum situation?, is it either your car or your marriage? In my experience, when a woman puts a man in that kind of a corner, it is never about the material possession (car, boat, power tools, whatever). What the woman really is seeking is to achieve a relationship where both share equally in the decisons of the marriage and share in an equitable division of labor, esp. regarding the children. You should both talk this out with a 3rd party, to discover what your wife really needs from you. I would be surprised if giving up the car would solve anything. There is something else going on and you need to focus your energies on determining what that is. Remember, in a relationship, compromise is key, neither party can always get their way all the time. The children deserve parents who work together as a team. Hang in there and try to engage in a meaningful, non-threatening dialogue with your wife to determine the core issues and how you both can deal with them.

 

^^^ Excellent advice!

 

Good points. Sell the car as a olive branch but seek marriage counseling to fix the real problems.

And hang in there. I know it's tough.

 

I can tell from the tone of your email that there's hope for your marriage... To me, you're apparent sincerity and humility indicate you're certainly still trainable Take the good advice from others above (good stuff from bigsoup) and give it your best... We'll be thinking of you and your family!!!

 

I sincerely appreciate it.

The car definitely isn't the problem or even a major issue in our marriage. It is, however, a huge, glaring example of my selfishness and I want to distance myself as much as I possibly can from that.

For the first time in my life I can truly say that doing something for my wife that involves putting aside my own selfish desires feels really, really good.

This is a huge step for me because I really enjoy this car, but the money we spent on the car should have been used in the first place for window treatments, home decor, guilt-free baby sitting and maybe even a yard service so I can spend time with my wife on Saturday.

There will definitely need to be some counseling to heal our marriage and figure out what makes me tick. I can only hope and pray that she is still on board.

Thanks, again.

 

Hey Joe, I'm going to throw my 2 cents in here:
Not that I'm going to rip on you or anything like that, but just try to offer advise.
It seems to me that the car was the final blow to things. Your wife probably feels neglected now more than ever because, like the rest of us, our Mini's are a breath of fresh air in our lives. We all look for excuses to run the smallest of errands just because we love driving our cars that much. This is the way that we used to feel when we first started dating our spouses/significant others. Always finding excuses to spend time with them, sometimes just to see their faces.
It's not completely selfish what you did! We all need our toys, but there also has to be compromise as well. Selling the Mini might seem like the right thing to do, but I bet you if you started surprising your wife and kids with "them time" and kept to it, things might subside.
It's not always the "bigger, immediate, drastic" things that we do that lets them know that we care, it's usually the smaller, more consistent things. Set aside time for them, but at the same time, try to reach a compromise that you both get some valuable "you" time as well. Encourage her to go out with friends while YOU stay at home with the kids. Try surprising her once in a while with a surprise impromptu trip somewhere local, that she enjoys doing.
Do things with your wife and kids that give you the same feeling that you get when you bought/drive your Mini.
Most importantly, she is half of the marriage, she gets equal share on input for decisions.
By no means, I'm not a relationship expert. I was just in the same boat (minus the marriage and kids) that you were, and this is what helped me to fix things. I give and get equal amount of "me time!"

I do hope that everything does work out, and you get to keep your Mini as well.

Personally, I'm not so much of counselor fan. I just try putting myself in their shoes for a while and it helps me realize the error of my selfish ways.

Good luck to you, and your family.
We all hope that everything works out!

 

Joe,

Gee Whizz, What I'd like to know is what kind of a wife would force you to chose between her and your Clubman S? That's just plain inhumane!

 

Anybody read the fine print..
Mom, Dad and THREE CHILDREN....
They can't even ALL ride in the mini together....

 

Watch "Fireproof" and try "The Love Dare"

 

Back to his original question, has anybody else used Cars.com? I am trying to sell my 07 MCS locally via Craigslist, ebay, and on NAM's Marketplace. I need to sell mine quickly and Carmax was a hose job of an offer. They were more than 2K below Bluebook tradein. I need to get rid of my car, but not at that price.

I'd like to hear your experience with Cars.com or other options for sale. I think that would help the OP as well.

 

I have been very successful selling 3 cars over at Cars.com (2 MINIs and 1 old Camry). Really excellent results

 

Unfortunately, in the current economic climate, selling the car may not be the best financial move. I know minis are known to hold their value vs. other cars, but I'm sure that even they have taken a hit.

On the bright side, I read an article the other day claiming that the margin between new and used cars has decreased considerably. Perhaps used-car buyers aren't aware yet of the steep drops in new car selling prices?

I know it would be hard to make an argument to keep the car, and it sounds like you don't want to in any case. But you both should sit down and make a rational economic decision. The best thing is to let HER make that decision without any prompting from you. Lay out the options and let her decide.

You can't un-do the past. Of course, you can't prove you've reformed, so promises that you'll stop sinking money into new accessories are vacant. It may sound attractive to sell the car as a demonstration of your changed attitude, but do consider if it really makes sense.

 

I think that the fact that you are willing to give up the car is a great, but small step in the process of reconcillition.

 

I looked back at some of your previous posts... have you been able to get all of the "issues" with the car resolved?

Is it that she doesn't like the car or that she doesn't like you? Maybe, if she actually likes the car... give HER the car and you make the promise to never drive it again. Your punishment will be that you can look but not touch. It will be difficult... but a sacrifice to make to save your marriage. And maybe one day... after you prove your commitment... MAYBE she will let you drive it again.

Good luck.

 

Joe...FWIW, I've sold 2 vehicles in the past using autotrader.com and everything about autotrader was good from my experience.

 

I agree with the advice that you should sit down and talk to your wife and let her make the choice about what to do with the car. Not only does this show her that you are willing to work on things and make the marriage better, it shows her that you respect her choices and it sounds like that's something she could really use right now.

If she's a smart woman, she probably already realizes that the clubman is not the problem, that it's merely a symbol of an ongoing issue between the two of you and I suspect she will probably say, "Well, you could have come home with a Porsche." which is basically what my husband said to me when I told him I wanted a MINI.

I would like to suggest a book to both of you. Dr. Laura's The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. I know that a lot of people think that Dr. Laura is full of crap, but what she is really good at... is getting people to think about their marriage and examine the choices they have made with their marriage. I'm getting the impression that this is something that you haven't done for quite some time, otherwise you would not be in this situation. You don't have to agree with what she says word for word, but think about what she says and let her book be a tool to get you thinking about what you can do to change things.

This book literally saved my marriage from divorce and gave me a chance to re-evaluate the things I was doing that made my spouse miserable and made me horribly unhappy. I really think that it can help you.

Good luck. I hope that you and your wife can put your lives back together.

 

Just want to say; it is the willingness of people here on NAM to step up and offer advice, support and sense of community that makes all of this very worthwhile. We come into the world helpless and dependant on others, and we all go through life it is very gratifying on so many levels to be able not only to help each other out, but to realize that others are there to lend a hand if needed. WTG!

 

I totally agree. This is one of the best auto communities on the web, if not the best.

Life is more than just a car....

You'll get through it, Joe.

cheers,
Glen

 

I'll skip the marriage advice on a car forum...

Stay far, far, away from Carmax. If you are not buying something from them, they will all but spit in your face with their offer. I believe this is especially the case with anything other than an inexpensive, common (civic, corolla, etc.) car. They offered me over $3K below KBB trade-in value for my mint VW GTI. His words were, "It's a great car, but we don't sell many VWs or Audis." A giant and complete waste of my time.

On the other hand, I sold that same GTI in less than 72 hours on Craigslist.

A lot depends on the area you are in and how "fair" of a price you are willing to let it go for. The lower the price, the faster it will go. I was trying to get rid of mine fast and was selling it slightly below the KBB used car price.

Good luck with the car sale, and good luck with the family.

 

I don't know much about cars.com/carmax, etc. but I have had a lot of success on Craigslist. If you sell for fair market value, I trust you'll get buyers provided you're near a major metro.

As for the marriage aspect, I would echo the person who recommended the movie "Fireproof." I know what you're thinking...a movie?? are you serious??? Yes I am. This is no ordinary movie. Press on, brother and let us know how it goes.

 

i also suggest craigslist, anytime i've tried to sell on their i've gotten responses fast. i hope you win her back!

 

I haven't seen this one, but it's in my netflix queue now!

And amen to the poster who talked about how wonderful this community is. This is an amazing place with awesome people.